Congressman ‘Actively Considers’ Things, Achieves None
Satire: this article is a work of parody and humor. The events described did not happen.
WASHINGTON — Rep. Randy Fine (R-Fla.) announced this week that he is "actively considering" introducing articles of expulsion against Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.), a bold legislative strategy that political scientists are calling "thinking really hard about doing something."
Fine explained his approach to reporters: "I won't send out fundraising emails calling for her expulsion. If I'm going to do that, you will see me bring the piece of paper. And I am actively considering that." He then stared into the middle distance for a full minute, which aides confirmed was the considering happening in real time.
The Math, Unfortunately
Expelling a sitting member of Congress requires a two-thirds vote of the House, a threshold experts describe as "mathematically ambitious" and "not going to happen."
"It's like announcing you're actively considering winning the lottery," said one congressional scholar. "Technically you're allowed to consider it. The consideration is free. The lottery ticket is where it gets complicated."
Fine would need significant Democratic support for the measure, which is roughly as likely as the House voting to replace itself with a food truck.
A Distinguished History of Considering
The congressman has built an impressive record of active consideration. Sources confirm he has previously considered:
- Introducing a bill (considered, 2024)
- Reading a bill (considered, 2025)
- Understanding how bills work (ongoing)
"It's a very deliberative process," said one staffer. "He considers things the way other people breathe — constantly, involuntarily, and to no particular effect."
The Response
Omar brushed off the threat, telling reporters, "I don't think anybody takes that man serious," before returning to her actual job.
Political observers noted that the entire episode follows a beloved Washington tradition: the performative threat, in which a lawmaker announces a dramatic action they cannot take, against a colleague who is not worried, for an audience that has already changed the channel.
"It's democracy inaction," said one analyst, pausing to appreciate his own pun. "I'll be here all week. Unlike the legislation."
The Piece of Paper
Sources close to the congressman confirm that "the piece of paper" referenced in his statement does exist, in the sense that paper exists and pieces of it can be obtained. "It's a very nice piece of paper," said one aide. "Linen finish. Watermarked. It currently says nothing, but the potential is enormous." The paper is reportedly kept in a desk drawer, where it awaits the historic moment when considering becomes doing. Staffers have started a betting pool on whether the paper will ever contain words. Current odds: not great.
