Minnesota to Mandate K 12 Ethnic Studies Instruction in 2026
Satire: this article is a work of parody and humor. The events described did not happen.
In a development both sides agree is the single most important event in human history, a Midwestern state has announced new guidelines for what children will study in social studies class — prompting adults across the nation to behave as though the fate of civilization hinges on a sixth-grade lesson plan.
Emergency meetings were convened. Heated statements were issued. At least four think tanks released reports with the word "crisis" in the title before reading the actual guidelines.
The Battlefield: A Classroom
The new curriculum, which covers history and culture across grade levels, has been received the way all curriculum changes are received: as an existential threat requiring immediate cable news coverage.
"This is about our children," said one activist, waving a binder. "Do you know what's in this binder? Neither do I, but I am furious about it."
A counter-activist, holding an identical binder, responded: "This is also about our children. I haven't read mine either, but I am furious in the opposite direction."
Both Sides Deploy Experts
Within days, dueling panels of experts had been assembled. One side's experts warned the curriculum would "change everything." The other side's experts warned that opposing the curriculum would "change everything."
A neutral expert attempted to suggest that most students would simply memorize enough to pass the test and forget it by summer, as students have done since the invention of school. The expert was shouted down by both sides simultaneously, a rare moment of bipartisan unity.
Parents Demand Answers
Parent groups on all sides have demanded the right to review every page of instructional material, a process estimated to take approximately 400 years at current reading speeds.
"I just want to know what my child is learning," said one parent, who then admitted she had not yet finished reading the permission slip for the field trip.
School boards, caught in the middle, have responded the way school boards always respond: by scheduling another meeting.
The Real Victims: The Students
Reached for comment, the students themselves expressed a unified position: they would like everyone to stop talking about the curriculum so they can get back to more pressing matters, such as lunch.
"Honestly, I just want to know if there's a quiz Friday," said one seventh-grader, speaking for an entire generation.
