Washington Gripped by Burning Question: Who Gets the Podium for Three Months
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Washington Gripped by Burning Question: Who Gets the Podium for Three Months
WASHINGTON — The capital is holding its collective breath this week over the most consequential personnel question in recent memory: who will stand behind a wooden podium and answer questions for approximately ninety days.
"It's the story of the year," said one political reporter, who has covered four administrations and at least six podium transitions. "Policies come and go. Podiums are forever."
The speculation began when the current press secretary announced she would briefly step back for family reasons, a development Washington's commentariat treated with the gravity normally reserved for natural disasters and award-show snubs.
Nation's Pundits Draft Fantasy Briefing Teams
Within hours, cable news panels had assembled their fantasy briefing teams, complete with draft boards, sleeper picks, and heated debates over "podium presence," a metric scientists have been unable to locate.
"I've got the deputy press secretary going third overall," said one analyst, adjusting his draft rankings. "Great fundamentals, strong binder game, and scouts say her 'next question' pivot is elite. This is a can't-miss prospect."
Sports radio hosts, sensing content, began taking calls from listeners debating whether the interim briefer should "establish the run early" with opening statements or "air it out" with surprise announcements.
Deputy Press Secretary's Phone Will Not Stop Ringing
Sources close to the leading internal candidate report that her phone has been ringing nonstop, with callers ranging from well-wishers to a distant cousin who "just wants to say hi on TV."
"She's honored to be considered," said a spokesperson. "She's also asked everyone to please stop texting her mock briefing questions at 2 a.m., especially the one about the cafeteria menu."
Meanwhile, the outgoing secretary's successor-to-be has reportedly begun practicing in front of a bathroom mirror, a training regimen described by experts as "standard" and "slightly haunted."
Washington's briefing-room gift shop, sensing opportunity, has released a commemorative 'Interim Podium' snow globe, featuring a tiny podium with a sign reading 'Back in 90 Days (Probably).' Sales have been brisk among tourists, who reportedly have no idea what it means but 'like the little podium guy.'
