Dolly Parton Delivers Emotional Video Message Weeks after Her Death
Satire: this article is a work of parody and humor. The events described did not happen.
The internet was thrown into mourning this week after a blog reported that a beloved country music legend had died, a story that was news to absolutely everyone, most notably the singer herself, who is alive.
Singer Responds by Being Alive
Within hours of the report, the singer released a video from her kitchen, where she was, witnesses confirm, "clearly not dead." "Well hey, it's Dolly," she said, waving. "I just wanted to let y'all know I'm right here, making coffee. Please stop planning my funeral. The casseroles are piling up and I don't have that kind of freezer space."
The video has been viewed 50 million times, making it, ironically, the most successful thing the blog that "killed" her has ever been associated with.
Blog Issues Correction
The blog has since issued a correction, clarifying that when it reported her death, it meant "emotionally, after hearing ticket prices." It has further clarified that its editorial standards require "at least one source, and by source we mean a feeling."
"We regret the error," the correction reads. "In our defense, she looked tired in a photo once. Journalism is hard." The blog has promised to verify future deaths by "checking for a pulse, or at least a new album."
New Single: "Still Here (Unfortunately for Bloggers)"
Capitalizing on the moment with the business instincts of a woman who built a theme park, the singer has announced a new single titled "Still Here (Unfortunately for Bloggers)," with proceeds going to a foundation that teaches the internet the difference between "a rumor" and "a fact."
"I've been 'dead' four times now," she laughed. "At this point I'm starting to take it personally. Y'all are going to give me a complex, and then I'll have to write a song about that too, and then you'll say the song killed me."
When asked how she stays so gracious about being repeatedly buried by the internet, she smiled. "Honey, I've been in this business sixty years. Getting killed by a blog is just Tuesday."
Her publicist confirmed the singer will spend the weekend 'aggressively not dying,' with plans including brunch, a matinee, and outliving every blog that buried her. 'She's booked through 2040,' the publicist added. 'The blogs should pace themselves.'
