Trump Mentions Jail for J6 Committee as Biden Considers Pardons for Fauci Cheney Others Report
Satire: this article is a work of parody and humor. The events described did not happen.
Washington has officially entered peak pardon season, with the nation's capital grinding to a halt as everyone in politics simultaneously demands pardons for their friends and jail for their enemies, in what experts are calling "the circle of civic life."
Pardons Become Collectible
Presidential pardons have become the hottest collectible in Washington, with lobbyists trading them like baseball cards. A "full and unconditional" pardon in mint condition is now worth three committee chairmanships and a parking spot near the Capitol.
"I'll trade you my 2024 pardon for your 2020 pardon and a deputy assistant secretary to be named later," said one K Street regular, fanning out a binder of laminated pardons. Rookie staffers have been warned about counterfeit pardons, which experts say can be identified because "the signature looks too sincere."
Pardon Black Friday Breaks Records
Retailers have gotten in on the action, with one office-supply chain launching a Pardon Black Friday sale: buy one pardon, get a second pardon for crimes you haven't committed yet. "Why wait for the justice system when you can pre-pardon?" the ad campaign asks. "Pardon yourself for next year's mistakes, today!"
Legal scholars confirm that pre-pardons are "definitely a thing now, probably," citing the ancient legal principle of "eh, close enough."
The Group Chat Pre-Pardon
In a related development, congressional staffers have begun issuing pre-emptive pardons to their group chats. "I, being of sound mind, hereby pardon everyone in this chat for everything said after 11 p.m.," reads one typical message, which was immediately screenshotted and entered into the Congressional Record.
The president, when asked about his pardon philosophy, explained: "I'm not looking to go back into the past. Retribution will be through success. Also through pardons. Mostly pardons. Have you seen my pardon collection? It's tremendous. People are always saying that."
Meanwhile, the Department of Justice has announced it will simplify matters by pardoning itself, a move officials described as "just easier for everyone."
The Congressional Gift Shop has begun selling souvenir pardons for $19.99, suitable for framing. 'They're not legally binding,' the shopkeeper admitted, 'but frankly, neither is anything else anymore.' Sales are reportedly tremendous.
