Putin Knew Clinton Had Physical Psycho Emotional Problems in 2016 Gabbard
Satire: this article is a work of parody and humor. The events described did not happen.
Declassified Report Reveals Spies Wrote Things Down, Nation Stunned
WASHINGTON — In a bombshell disclosure that has rocked the nation's stationery industry, a newly declassified intelligence report revealed this week that spies in 2016 did what spies are supposed to do: they wrote things down.
The report, based on twenty interviews with intelligence officers and one very long lunch, details how a foreign intelligence service compiled notes about an American presidential candidate's mood, including the clinical observation that she experienced "uncontrolled fits of cheerfulness," a condition doctors confirm has never once been treated with anything stronger than a nap.
"This changes everything," said one cable news host, visibly moved. "We now know that a decade ago, a politician had emotions. The American people deserved to know about these emotions in a more timely fashion, preferably during sweeps week."
Intelligence Community Discovers Filing Cabinets
Perhaps the most startling revelation was not the content of the report but its storage method. Sources confirm the intelligence was kept in actual filing cabinets, a discovery that has prompted a government-wide audit of drawers.
"We just assumed everything was in the cloud," admitted one official, staring into a metal drawer labeled '2016 — MISC.' "Finding out our spies use folders? With tabs? It's like learning your grandmother has a TikTok. Technically possible, spiritually confusing."
Office supply lobbyists praised the disclosure, noting a 300% spike in manila folder futures.
Historians Confirm 2016 Was, In Fact, Weird
Reached for comment, the nation's historians issued a rare unanimous statement: "Yes. That whole year was weird. We checked. It's in the textbooks now, right between the chapter on the printing press and the chapter we're all afraid to write about the present."
The report's release has also reignited the great American tradition of reading half a headline and forming unshakeable opinions, with both sides declaring total victory within minutes of the PDF loading.
At press time, intelligence officials were reportedly drafting a follow-up report about the report, which sources say will conclude that reports about reports are "extremely reportable.
The report's appendix, spanning 400 pages, was found to contain mostly redactions, margin doodles, and one recipe for borscht that analysts described as 'surprisingly detailed.' 'We can't verify the recipe's origins,' admitted one official, 'but we can confirm it slaps. The intelligence community has already requested seconds.'"
