Las Vegas Performer Files Trademark Lawsuit Against Taylor Swift over Showgirl Album
Satire: this article is a work of parody and humor. The events described did not happen.
The music world has been rocked by a landmark lawsuit over who owns the word "showgirl," with a Las Vegas performer suing one of the biggest pop stars on the planet in a case legal experts are calling "the trial of the century, or at least the trial of the afternoon."
Dictionaries File Amicus Briefs
In an unprecedented move, three major dictionary publishers have filed amicus briefs, arguing that if individuals can own common words, "the entire English language is basically a timeshare now." Merriam-Webster released a statement warning that it may begin charging royalties for the word "the," effective immediately.
"We've been giving these words away for free for centuries," said a dictionary spokesperson. "Frankly, we've been fools. Do you know how many times the word 'showgirl' appears in print? We're sitting on a goldmine of back royalties."
Vegas Sues the Alphabet
Not to be outdone, the city of Las Vegas has filed its own suit claiming ownership of the letters S, H, O, W, G, I, R, and L "in that specific order, when used glamorously." The city's attorney argued that "anyone who has seen our billboards knows those letters belong to us, spiritually."
In response, the pop star's legal team has countersued the concept of lawsuits, arguing that "being sued has become so common it's lost all meaning, which is itself a form of trademark dilution."
Showgirls Unionize Against Feather Use
Meanwhile, actual showgirls have unionized, demanding residuals every time a feather boa appears in a music video. "We've been shaking these feathers since before it was cool," said union president Ginger Stardust. "Every time a pop star puts on a headdress, a showgirl somewhere doesn't get paid. We're putting our foot — and our feather — down."
The union's demands include a 15 percent cut of all glitter sold in the state of Nevada and a formal apology from every Halloween costume ever.
Legal analysts predict the case will drag on for years, generating enough billable hours to "single-handedly fund the entire legal profession through 2035." A settlement is expected just as soon as someone invents a synonym for showgirl that doesn't also get sued.
The judge in the case has asked both sides to submit their arguments as interpretive dance, 'to keep things interesting.' Legal observers say the dancing was, quote, 'better than the briefs.' A ruling is expected sometime before the heat death of the universe.
