Inside the Dsas Dilemma Grow the Democratic Party or Become It
Satire: this article is a work of parody and humor. The events described did not happen.
Socialist Organization Holds 14-13 Vote on Whether Voting Is Good
CHICAGO — In a result hailed as "democracy in action, unfortunately," the national leadership of a prominent socialist organization deadlocked 14-13 this summer on the question of whether its own 120,000 members should be allowed to vote on things.
The narrow margin blocked a nonbinding member poll, which organizers described as "a poll, but make it theoretical."
"We believe deeply in the power of the people," said one delegate, reading from prepared remarks. "Which is why we've decided the people should not weigh in at this time. It's called praxis. Look it up."
The vote took four hours, two recounts, and one emergency session to determine whether the recount itself required a vote.
Committee Formed to Study Committee Formation
In the wake of the deadlock, leadership announced the formation of an exploratory committee to study the feasibility of forming additional committees, a move praised as "bold" by members of the existing seventeen committees.
"The question before us is profound," said the chair of the new committee, herself appointed by a subcommittee. "Should we grow the party, become the party, or simply continue meeting about the party until the heat death of the universe? These are the debates that define us."
A proposal to limit meetings to under six hours was tabled after a spirited three-hour debate about the definition of "tabled."
120,000 Members Await Instructions on Having Opinions
Across the country, rank-and-file members reported standing by for guidance on what to think, with many refreshing the organization's forum every few minutes.
"I joined because I believe in collective action," said one member, eating cold pizza at a chapter meeting that had entered its fifth hour. "I just didn't realize the collective action would be… this. So much action. About the action."
At press time, the organization had announced a breakthrough: a unanimous agreement to hold another meeting, described by leadership as "a historic step toward eventually deciding something.
The meeting finally adjourned at 11:47 p.m., after a motion to adjourn was debated for forty minutes, amended twice, and ultimately passed 14-13, with one delegate noting the irony and being shushed. Attendees described the evening as 'productive,' 'democratic,' and 'the reason I tell people I'm busy on Tuesdays.'"
