Biden’s Pardons Work Like Monopoly Get-Out-of-Jail Cards
Satire: this article is a work of parody and humor. The events described did not happen.
Legal analysts are locked in a fierce debate over former President Biden's preemptive pardons, with the central question being: exactly how much does one of these things cover? Jaywalking? Overdue library books? That thing you did in 2019 that you definitely don't want to talk about?
"This is basically a Monopoly get-out-of-jail-free card," explained one analyst, holding up an actual Monopoly card for the cameras. "Except in Monopoly, the card is very clear about what it covers. These pardons are more like a coupon with the fine print torn off."
What the Pardons Definitely Cover (Probably)
According to experts, the pardons cover federal offenses committed during a specific time period — which sounds straightforward until you ask a lawyer to explain it, at which point they bill you for the hour and say "it's complicated."
"The thing about preemptive pardons," said one legal scholar, "is that they're a mistake if you wanted to keep things quiet. It's like shredding documents by feeding them through a megaphone. Now everyone wants to know what's in the documents."
What They Might Not Cover
Analysts agree the pardons likely do not cover: lying to Congress (the irony has been noted), state-level charges, parking tickets in the District of Columbia, or "crimes against fashion," though one commentator argued the last one should be prosecutable regardless.
"The pardons made it easier to find things out," noted one journalist. "Before, investigators had a haystack. Now they have a haystack with a giant neon sign that says 'DEFINITELY NOTHING INTERESTING IN THIS HAYSTACK.'"
The Takeaway
As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: Washington has once again managed to turn a legal procedure into must-see television. Cable news panels have discussed the pardons for a combined 400 hours, which legal experts confirm is "way more time than anyone spent reading them."
At press time, sales of Monopoly get-out-of-jail-free cards had reportedly tripled among congressional staffers. Meanwhile, law schools have added a new course: Pardon Law and Other Things We Made Up This Semester. Enrollment is through the roof, mostly from students who heard there'd be no final exam — just a preemptive pardon from the professor. "It's the only class where the syllabus includes a get-out-of-jail-free card," said one dean, shuffling a deck of them like playing cards.
