The Doctor Who Performed the Autopsy on Jeffrey Epstein Claims
Satire: this article is a work of parody and humor. The events described did not happen.
Cable News Declares National Autopsy Diagram Awareness Month
In a move absolutely nobody requested, the nation's cable news networks announced this week that they will devote yet another full month to displaying the same set of autopsy diagrams, as a record number of Americans who have never attended medical school renewed their demands to personally examine three neck bones.
"We felt the public deserved another look," said one network executive, adjusting his tie in front of a touchscreen the size of a garage door. "The American people have questions. Specifically, they have the exact same questions they had last year, and the year before that, and we intend to keep not answering them in stunning high definition."
The Nation's Foremost Armchair Pathologists Reconvene
Within hours of the announcement, an estimated 40 million amateur forensic experts emerged from internet comment sections, each armed with a screenshot, a red circle drawn in MS Paint, and unshakeable confidence.
Local man Gary D., who once successfully identified a rash on his own elbow using a search engine, told reporters he had "cracked the case videly open." He then presented a 47-slide presentation in which every slide was the same photograph with increasingly aggressive arrows.
"I'm not a doctor," Gary admitted, "but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express in 2019, which I believe qualifies me to overrule actual pathologists on national television."
Merch Table Does Record Business
Capitalizing on the renewed frenzy, enterprising vendors outside news studios reported record sales of commemorative merchandise, including foam neck bones, "Ask Me About the Hyoid" t-shirts, and a limited-edition snow globe containing a tiny jail cell with broken cameras.
"It's the perfect gift," said one vendor, who declined to give her name but confirmed she accepts cash, card, and cryptocurrency. "Every year the networks run the same segment, and every year my kids get to eat. God bless the 24-hour news cycle."
Experts Confirm We Will Do This Again Next Year
When asked whether the matter would ever be conclusively resolved, a panel of actual experts sighed in perfect unison, a sound engineers described as "the most honest thing broadcast all year."
"Look," said one forensic specialist, "we've issued reports. Multiple reports. Detailed, peer-reviewed reports. But Gary from the comments section has a red circle, and frankly, that's just more compelling television."
The networks confirmed that next year's coverage will feature an even larger touchscreen, a hologram, and at least one dramatic reenactment involving a skeleton named "Justice."
Meanwhile, the nation's therapists reported a surge in clients suffering from 'breaking-news fatigue,' a condition characterized by shouting 'we've seen this!' at the television. 'It's a real phenomenon,' said one psychologist. 'Patients describe an overwhelming urge to throw remote controls. We recommend turning off cable news and touching grass, though our research shows most patients will instead open a second tab.'
